I began my first steps today towards the difficult journey of having a VBAC (I am not pregnant yet). I made an appointment with an OBGYN that considers doing VBACs. While I am writing this blog to share with others the journey, whatever the outcome will be, I realized form my research on finding an OB how much emotional healing is left for me to do from the c/s. I decided one way to work through the grief that is still present is by processing the event through writing.
Trauma is very difficult to forget. It comes to hunt you at the most unsuspecting times. I remember the grief of the first few weeks after the birth, the none stop crying, feeling like a failure, the huge feeling of loss. I remember the feelings, and I think that might be where my trauma lies. My story is pretty typical, I was B strep positive and my water broke before I had contractions. The midwife (who I chose to reduce the possibility of a c-section) explained she will give me patocin to begin contraction. I dilated all the way, pushed for 2+ hours and the baby came to a point where he no longer progressed. That was that. The midwife said my pelvis was narrow and the baby was sunny side up so he was not coming out. Possible, but maybe if we never used patocin, and maybe if I could feel myself pushing without the epidural, and maybe. and maybe not. What use are all the maybes.
For me the biggest loss was the possibility of not being able to have the limitless amount of children I have always dreamt of having. How many surgeries can a uterus take. The midwife stated I needed to wait two years between deliveries before having another child or I won't be able to try a VBAC. She then had the audacity of telling me that they do VBACs. If my first child was c/s why would I think they would be able to help me with a successful VBAC.
Only 8 months have passed since my amazing baby boy was born. I am ready to have another child and instead of of waiting for another 7 months I decided to get a second opinion. My appointment is in three weeks and I am eager to hear what this doctor has to say.
